grown

what is the purpose of growing, knowing, being told "hey, welcome to adulthood!"

everyone i know denies their grown, clinging to what little piece of childhood they have left. but what is an adult? "an adult is someone who works 9 to 5, has responsibilities, pays bills on time, wears a suit, has kids, forgot how to play or imagine a different world where you walk on the sky and look up at the grass.... being grown." well shit! if that's adulthood, i want to be a child! to play on a climbing structure without looking like a pedophile, pluck daisies and tie them into a chain for my head, make up stories, play tag, go dance in the rain, wake up and save my family from a pirate attack, with nothing but a sword and my pet dragon custard (who's too scared to fight back) to dream the impossible!!

but if growing up is something that i have to do, i suppose that's fine. just as long as i can be the adult who believes in fairies and thinking of 15 ridiculous things every day and HAPPY ENDINGS!! that someday a boy in green might fly in my window and take me to a land where everything is pretend. where music is law and laughter really is the best medicine, and every bump can be fixed by a kiss on it from mom...

so you go ahead and grow up, get boring and old; but as for me? i'll be out somewhere beyond the sea, in a golden ship sailing off on a dream.

Oberlin: Day 1

Oberlin is very small. everyone told me that, but i didnt really think it would be this small! i mean, it's relatively normal sized for a town in the 1950's or something (which is about as modern as the architecture gets too) and not much has changed since then. there's the same old vintage movie theater, old buildings, "downtown" shops, etc. it's kind of an odd mixture, because the college is in the middle of the town and is a mash of old or retro and new/modern buildings. it's one of those funny little towns where everyone seems to be so bored with the ordinary people they see every day that if you're new they will talk your ear off. literally. driving into town i got that going-to-visit-grandma feeling. you know what i mean? how it seems like no matter how many years go by, everything will be the same and stay that way. tradition! the bed and breakfast i'm staying in even has that grandma's house smell.

it's definitely the house of a collector. there are thousands of pig figures (who knows why, havent asked for fear of never leaving) tea pots, and clocks. i feel like i flew out of san francisco and landed in Alice in Wonderland. the clocks especially annoy me. purely because they are all those loud old tick-y ones that chime on the hour and half hour (2 even chime on the 15 and 45) BUT because they all chime and "sound so beautiful" they're all set at about 2 minutes apart. so one chime say for 5 o'clock could last 15 minutes, at which point it's time for the next set of chimes to start. i was sitting in the living room after class today and seriously counted 8 clocks. JUST IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!!!! the couple who own the house are nice though. definitely those talk your ear off folk, but nice. and they live 2 blocks from the school, which is very nice. (when i say they live 2 blocks away, just bare in mind that i believe the farthest away one can live is 5 blocks away. so it's not like you're gonna need a car to drive to class or anything.)

On that note, i had my first, and only, class of the day. it was a lot of fun actually, and pulled me out of my i-dont-like-this-small-town funk a bit. it was a class with all the students from a voice teacher, lorraine manz. all of the females who sang were mezzo soprano's, but most had an amazing, pure tone. there was only one girl who had a bit too much tremolo and was a bit flat, but i learned after class that she was sick with a bad cold. as a coloratura soprano, i was wondering most of the class what i would sound like if i studied with her, or if she just took mezzo's. she had a few tenors as well, and it was fun listening to the difference in tone between the men and women.

they are (all the students i've met or watched) are very intense about their art though. almost everything they talk about has to do with pronunciation, diction, beats per measure, tone, pitch, what one teacher says versus another on a certain piece, etc. it was nice to see a bit of a change for a few minutes before class when one boy started playing some jazz and a girl started swaying back and forth to the music, and another group started laughing hysterically at a SNL video of Lonely Island they were watching on someone's laptop. it was a good change of pace, and helped me see that they aren't just business and one track. i mean, they're still unbelievably focused, which is intimidating, but they're also juniors and seniors, and i would be a freshman.... so maybe the intensity comes with time and practice? i dont know.

anyway, more later.

Walls

you know how people say things like "sometimes i put up walls. not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to tear them down"? well, ok, great. excellent statement. except, what happens when someone does tear that protective wall down and then you're just left there all wall-less and scared and they decide they dont really want to be the one to climb that pile of rubble? (like how i'm just going with the metaphor thing here?) does that basically mean you're screwed? no one ever writes about that so much. just something to think about i guess.

I was reading an article i randomly found, and apparently there's a wall in Verona, Italy where people write letters about their problems (like the broken wall thing) to Romeo and Juliet. That's the picture. thought i should explain it.

sorry this one's kinda depressing. what can i say? rainy days and monday's always get me down. you should be around on a rainy monday. it's all bad. lol

parental advisory

it's funny how parts of your life can gradually come to an end and you have absolutely no idea it's happening until the next chapter is beginning. I feel like a huge part of who i was has recently fallen away. not to say that i've lost who i am, just to say that i've changed (hopefully for the better) and i've sort of begun on the part of my life journey (jeez! hippy enough for ya?!) that is MY part. just me. on my own. it's exciting! i mean, scary and nerve wracking, yes. but exciting.

I've been lucky enough to have parents that will basically support my decision and choices no matter what (except for getting a tattoo. lame) but when i told them i wanted to do an exchange for 3 months to germany in my sophomore year of high school, they happily let me go. when i said i wanted to go back to germany and study for my senior year they helped make it happen. when i said i wanted to be a singer they helped me find the perfect schools for me. they have always been supportive of my adventures i wanted to take, whether those adventures involved them or not. don't get me wrong. just because i say i have amazing parents doesn't mean we don't fight and disagree and get on each other's nerves. that's a 24/7 battle if you ask me. but that's not the point, is it?

So in a sense, i guess i've been "flying the nest" and coming back for a few years now. testing my wings, so to speak. but now, in a manner of short months, i'll be going out alone and this is the beginning of the rest of my flight alone. i mean, they'll always be there if i need them, but i really have to figure out how to live and be on my own. no help (other than, you know, tuition and rent and all that financial goodness)

Honestly though, that's all you get, as a parent. 18 short years to give your kid everything you think they need to get by in the world. 18 years to teach them right from wrong, to help them grow, to raise them. 18 years, then they're gone. not forever, just gone to start their own life. maybe to create their own person to teach for 18 years. but really, you have very little time to instill this great wisdom that you, as parents, are supposed to have. half of the time, teaching without even knowing it.

i guess what i'm trying to say is thank you. thank you to every good, wonderful, amazing parent that has raised their child to the best of their ability. i think the hardest thing is knowing when to stop teaching and helping and let us make our own mistakes. i mean, you'll always be there if we really need you, but when to pull back and let us be.

so thank you. thank you for all the hard work, energy, love, everything you've given.

i love you.

Happiness is a Warm Gun....

I have this weird thing about lady bugs. somewhere someone told me that whenever you see a lady bug the person you like/love is thinking of you. maybe it's a myth? like the indians believe that when you sneeze somebody's thinking of you?
anyway, recently i've been seeing lady bugs EVERYWHERE. i have no idea

what it's supposed to mean, but they're one of those things in life where every time i see one i have to smile. regardless of my mood.

For me, this is a big deal. there are very few things in my life that can always make me smile and make me happy again regardless of my previous mood. in fact, i think i can list them all on one hand. kind of depressing, right? but i was thinking about it... hang on,

1. ladybugs

2. joshua radin ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etNiF21uUZE&feature=related -- don't look at the emo cartoon people.)

3. playing my guitar

4. dancing

yup. see, i told you. not even 5. but there you go. i don't even know why Joshua Radin is on the list. i mean, his music does always make me smile, but if you listen to the lyrics they're borderline emo.... oh well.

and for those of you who are wondering why things like "family", "friends" and "singing" aren't on the list, well, it's simply because friends and especially (my) family arent always fun to be around. they dont always make you smile. and singing, as much as i love it, it makes me really mad half the time. especially when i'm practicing. dont get me wrong. i love my family, friends and singing! just not all the time. =)

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